Life in General

How To Break Up Without Getting Divorced, Part 4

From June 2, 2010-

Mr. and Mrs. Insecurity 

In the first day, I mentioned that marriage is a blessing from God. That’s completely true, but not everyone is marriage material. Like, have you ever dated a guy- loved him even- but felt something wasn’t right? I mean, you’re madly in love with him but he’s not the man you know you should marry. There’s just something about him that hints to you that he’s a caliber or two below you. Ever been there? Are you there?

Say, you’ve been dating your man for a while now. During that time, have you ever thought, “I know I should break up with him, but…”? Then pump those brakes, girlfriend! You’ve got a major problem- you’re speaking crazy talk. It’s like having skin cancer and saying, “I know I should get it removed, BUT”. It’s absolutely ridiculous to KNOW that you should do something and not do it.

Does that sound harsh? (If I could slap some sense into you right now I would.) No, that’s not harsh!

Tell me something. Do you know that two is the square root of four? So, why say the answer’s three? Do you know that George Washington was the first president? So, why say it’s Harry Truman? Do you KNOW that you should break up with your boyfriend? So, WHY stay with him?

(Let me add an addendum to this. If, at the time you said you should dump your beau, you were saying it for no other reason than the fact that you were PMSing – If your boyfriend has never actually done anything, outside of a wacky dream, that makes you think you should break up with him – If you said it while under the influence of sedative medication – I might not be directing this towards you. That is to say, don’t go breaking up with him just because you heard me say it. Do it only if you KNOW you should.)

But what if you suspect you should break up with him but you don’t know for sure? First of all, if you’re at this point, you’ve obviously seen his flaws. And, seeing his flaws is the beginning of a good thing (reference Prince Charming) but only if the two of you work through them together and fix them before the wedding. If either of you aren’t willing or capable to blast those issues out of the water, then that’s when you should know it’s time to call it quits. (Of course I give this advice to unmarried ladies only. If you’re married, you got a lot of prayers and tears ahead of you.)

Often times, when a girl says, “I know I should break up with him, but…” she follows it with, “I won’t be able to find anyone better”. My answer: Wrong! Girlfriend, this is a classical case of insecurity. Women worldwide have been plagued with this issue since the beginning of time.

“I won’t be able to find anyone better”. Do you know why that’s such a loaded statement? Because it’s a paradox. On the one hand (as I just stated), you know that your man isn’t perfect. But, on the other hand, your statement assumes that there is no other man that is any better than him. So, either you have the most perfect man on the face of the earth and you simply want too much out of him OR there’s a deeper problem at seat. I think it’s the latter.

You are insecure. For some reason, known or unknown, you don’t think you’re good enough to marry a man that will actually be a good match for you. Maybe you’re overweight or not gorgeous like your sister or you’re not a National Merit Semi-Finalist. Whatever the case, you have insecurity issues. And that is a big problem.

There are men out there who are looking to control, victimize, fool, take advantage of a woman and those men have some kind of keen radar that draws them towards women who are insecure. Do you know why? These men are insecure, too. And their subconscious tells them that the only way they can keep a woman around is if they make her feel low and worthless and useless. And, it’s all the easier if they start with a woman who already thinks these things about herself. So, not only is the insecure woman thinking, “I’ll never be able to do any better than this guy,” but he’s thinking, “I’ve got to make her feel bad enough about herself that she’ll stay with me.” Your brain AND his brain are working against you.

I’ve seen this so many times. Girl meets boy and falls in love. He’s so sweet and charming at first. Then, something happens. It’s not one thing in particular, but rather a conglomerate of stressful, confusing, victimizing situations. It’s when he makes you feel bad for not hanging out with him because you were at your mom’s birthday party. And if you don’t answer your cell phone when he calls, he madder than the dickens, but he’s always too busy to talk when you call. Or when he insists you wear ugly, baggy, frumpy clothes because he doesn’t want other men to look at you. Or when he threatens to break up with you if you cut your hair.

So, why would a woman stay in an unhappy relationship like this? Duh! Because she thinks she can’t do any better.

Let’s view what their marriage would look like if it were a house. I’m imagining it would be located somewhere near the San Andreas fault. Every few days, there would be an earthquake, some minor and some major. And, on the off days, she’d spend her time patching up the walls, putting things back in the cabinets and worrying about when the next quake would strike. Is that really how you want to spend the rest of your life? I didn’t think so.

Here’s what you can do: First, pray. Second, reevaluate your relationship. If you KNOW that there’s a reason to break up with him, pray again. Then, be quiet, quit worrying and listen. If you truly want an answer, God will give you one. And, when He does, take His advice. If He says to break if off, do it. Do it immediately and free yourself from this abusive relationship. If He says to wait it out, do it patiently. Either way, God will guide you if you listen to Him.

And, one more thing. If God, who is the Beginning and the End, who is the only all-powerful being that can be in the past, present and future at the same time, and who is the creator of the daggum universe is up there just waiting and hoping that you’ll let him offer you His advice, you have no reason to feel insecure, right? So, go get a sharpie, look in your bathroom mirror and write on it ten nice things you see about yourself. Then thank God for making you so beautifully and wonderfully.

Start seeing yourself as God sees you (precious, that is) and don’t worry about whether a hu-man will want to marry you or not. Because I’m here to tell you that with God on your side, you have every hope, dream and ambition available to you. You just have to ask for it and trust that He will provide.

Tomorrow let’s meet two eligible bachelors: Mr. Possible and Mr. One-And-Only

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