Life in General

How To Break Up Without Getting Divorced, Part 3

From June 1, 2010-
Mr. Icowm: 

For whatever reason, girls/women/ladies worldwide fall for Mr. Icowm everyday. Is it his wavy chestnut hair? Or his strikingly sincere personality? Or his soft, warm smile? I really can’t say it’s just one thing- he has so many excellent qualities! He’s sweet and clever and the two of you get along so well that you just know you’re going to marry him. That’s right- Mr. Icowm is a heck of a lot like Prince Charming. But beware: Mr. Icowm is VERY dangerous.

You and he connect on a deep intimate and intellectual level. He’s incredibly insightful. You’ve always wanted someone to talk to and, guess what? He’s always more than willing to talk with you. It seems like he always knows just the right thing to say. What’s more? He’s not afraid to share all his faults with you. He keeps nothing hidden. Yes, ma’am, he’s an open book. You know all of his secrets- every single one- and he knows all of yours. And, to top it off, he says he loves you just like you are, faults and all, and he never wants you to change.

That’s sweet. Really. (Puke)

I guess you’re wondering what Mr. Icowm’s faults are, huh? Well, for starters, he knows your deepest, darkest, most shameful secrets and he’s perfectly cool with them. Does that strike you as odd? It should.

Let me take the top off of Mr. Icowm’s mind and give you a peek in. For this man, the old adage rings true: Knowledge is power. This is a man who is confident in himself and his intellect. This is a man who believes he can do no wrong. This is a man who is not defined by anyone else or anything else but by himself alone and what he does. He has no qualms about sharing who he is and what he’s about because, in his eyes, he’s exactly as he should be. Essentially, he’s his own god. And he wants to be your’s, too. Does that scare you a little, cause it scares me a lot. Let’s look a bit closer.

Mr. Icowm knows that flattery and smooth talking will get him places that fear and jealousy won’t. But, he does a tricky thing. Instead of telling you what you want to hear, he tells you what He wants to hear. He’s able to do this because he has convinced himself that he’s simply verbalizing what the voice in your heart can’t express. For instance, when he says he likes you exactly as you are, what he means is, “I want you to like me just as I am.” He never wants you to change because he wants you to never want him to change. Which brings me to my next point.

Any Christian woman who believes that there is only one true God will run into issues with any man like Mr. Icowm who is a self-proclaimed demigod. What I’m guessing one major issue will be in the relationship is he’ll refuse to go to church with you. Perhaps he’ll say he’s too tired from working late the night before. Or he might say that he’s just not feeling well. Or he might even use a lamer excuse and say that he just doesn’t like the music/preacher/people at your church. Whatever the case may be, he never neglects to add, “I’ll change once we’re married.”

Ah, yes. Here we come to the clue- the identifier. You will know a Mr. Icowm when he says, “I’ll Change Once We’re Married.” (ICOWM, get it?) What he means is, “I want you to change.” Of course, keep in mind that he’d be happy if you changed right now, this very second. But he has to tack the “once we’re married” part onto what he says to you because he knows he will never ultimately get what he wants unless he’s married to you but he knows you won’t marry him unless he changes or, at the very least, makes the promise to change. Sadly, women fall for it all the time. He thinks he’s so incredibly awesome that, once he’s your husband, you will worship the ground he walks on. You will shout his name from the highest peaks and declare that he is your god. Now, I realize that might sound a little insane, but stick with me.

Let’s say you marry Mr. Icowm (which, by the way, if you take his name will make you Mrs. I’ll Change Once We’re Married, which is exactly who he wants you to be). What will you notice first after marriage? He will refuse to go to church with you. Big surprise. But, you’re not going to give up on him. You know you can change him. Week after week you plead with him to go with you. And, during those weeks, a strange thing happens.

He swears he never made the promise to go to church with you. And, instead of you going to church, he wants you to sleep in with him on Sunday mornings and make chocolate chip pancakes. He wants you to stay home and keep him company. He makes you feel guilty for leaving him all alone. He says you’re neglecting him. He reverses the situation and asks you how you’d feel if he left you all alone.

What’s happening, you ask your married self? He promised to change. Remember all those times he said, “I’ll change once we’re married”? Right, but what he meant was, “I want you to change.” Sweet Mr. Icowm has now become jealous Mr. Itycaw (It’s Time You Changed Already Woman).

What I’m guessing will more than likely happen from here is one of two scenarios. Either he’ll wear you down so much that you’ll quit going to church and you’ll stay home with him or you’ll keep going and be miserable. If the former happens, you’ll still be miserable because deep down you’ll know you’re not doing the right thing, but he’ll treat you right otherwise. If the latter happens, he will feel incredibly betrayed and will eventually cease to be the sweet, open-booked man that you once knew. Because to him, you’ll be nothing more than a lying traitor. (Like I said: In his mind, he’s never the one in the wrong.)

Let’s address one more thing. Just like the first scenario in the former paragraph, when you know you should be (or shouldn’t be) doing something but you’re doing the opposite, guilt will inevitably follow. If you’re dating a guy who knows your inner demons and he’s ok with you not changing, that’s another sign that he’s not good for you. Your man should help you move closer to the one and only true God, not farther away.

Basically, what Mr. Icowm boils down to is this: men are ALWAYS on their best behavior while they’re in the dating stages of a relationship. As soon as the ring is on your finger (even before you change your last name), he will start digressing.

Can I get an Amen! from a married sister?

Tomorrow we’ll meet a couple with some earthquake-sized issues.

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